Friday, July 27, 2012

Reality, Self-Loathing & Fixing the slave

The last few days have been kind of weird for me. While it has been hot, it doesn't really speak to the internal struggles i've been experiencing. While Master and i definitely are having more time to spend together, and more sex, i've floundered. Becoming anxious, angry, melancholy and frustrated at the drop of a hat, frequently over the smallest things. And the other night, i pretty much flipped my lid because Master didn't come home when i thought (stressing that: when i thought, when i expected) that He would.

In our midnight debate and explanations of what He had thought and what i had thought, i dropped from being angry, frustrated, and feeling forgotten, to essentially being enraged with myself. The inwardly focused rage was awful - i think i hated myself more than i ever have, and i had a huge desire to attack myself physically, to cause injury, to see my own blood. But that lies outside of Master's directives, and worse, i knew if He'd seen me start that, it would hurt Him far more than my frustration and feeling of being forgotten. As i sobbed at the foot of His bed, He asked me if i wanted to keep punishing myself by sleeping on the floor or if i had the courage to ask permission to sleep in His bed.

i managed to pull myself together enough to ask to sleep in His bed, because i needed to know that He still cared about me, even if i didn't care about myself. In His arms, i cried myself to sleep through His whispers of affection and love, that He assured me were always in His heart.

No lie, i slept like shit. Hating oneself does not make for a restful night; i had crappy dreams about everything i had wanted to do at the foot of His bed.

In the morning, we had an approximation of make up sex, which was awesome. It cleared my self-loathing just enough to know that i needed a deeper grounding, and that i was going to be frustrated about it. i asked Master if He would confine me; either cage me or bind me for a while so i could just live in the feeling of helplessness, to find peace in that it is not my say when anything happens.

Master listened to my requests, and came up with a rope harness and binding that really did keep me confined. Even that was a struggle, as i was not a graceful, accepting sort while Master completed the bondage; i pushed His buttons, made Him angry, and then brought all that self-loathing back into play because my ability to clamp down on my negativity was shot. When it was done, He left me alone for a little while, confined, as i had asked. When He came back, i was still rather negative. While bound, completely at His mercy, He messed with me, i don't really even remember all the details other than it involved pain, manual stimulation (which i hate), the GiGi, His fingers deep in me, and His eyes flashing at me with that . . . i don't know . . . angry Domly look, i guess is the best way to describe it . . . When it was done, i was in tears, and He told me when the rope came off, the prisoner hood would go on and the heavy metal manacles would weigh my wrists behind my back.

When the ropes came off, the hood and manacles were waiting for me. i know i was still crying, because the fabric stuck to my tears, and i tried to control my breathing. i don't know how long i was alone, but eventually, the panic won out and i stumbled through the room, looking for the door without sight. Master had stayed very close, because He heard me and was there, moving me back to the safety of His bed. He took me and talked to me, and reaffirmed that my life, and my plans, were at His whim, rather than my own. Reminding me to be patient, to serve and wait with grace . . .

When i came to my senses again, i was cradled in His arms, and couldn't find any bit of self-loathing in my heart as He looked down at me fiercely.

Though i'm dropping hard from our interactions today, i feel safe, grounded, and loved. Another bonus? i like myself.


Hayley Rose said...

So after reading this blog it helped me to realize something about myself..Like you jenpet I really can get down on myself and sometimes i just don't know how to deal with time it happens i'm just going to ask my Hubby to confine me..never have i thought that being confined would be the answer but it makes sense.. at least to me it makes sense..oh btw i'm Deamondspet on Fetlife ;)...reading your blogs and checking out your fetlife accounts has really helped myself and my Husband in the beginnings of our path in this lifestyle...Thank you both so much :)

jenpet said...

@Hayley Rose: (smiles) and thank you. It took me a long while to figure out how to cope. i'd love to know if it also helps you -- or just your perspective on confinement in general...

i really hope that through everything you find on FetLife and in blogs you are able to pick and choose the things that truly work for you and your hubby! Remember, none of us are exactly alike, nor is our kink! (wink and grin!)