Friday, February 4, 2011

Defenseless

For those who haven't noticed, i did regain Master's permission to be on the internet, though i have been swamped with homework, which has put off my explanation far longer than Master intended...

In regards to Master's "Dacryphilia Vs Drama..." -- i basically got too sucked into the distractions Master permits me and failed to abide by His dictation. i put my own entertainment above His orders. Bad, bad, bad!


Even worse, even though i try very hard to own up to my mistakes, i became terribly defensive about these last infractions, and put myself on edge. And, as Master said, though i cried and was ashamed of myself, i reacted during the punishment, and did so badly.

i have no excuse for that behavior. There was no justification. i know exactly what Master expects of me, and i know Him as well as i know myself. Lashing out against Him and bringing up things that hurt us both, years and years ago, did neither of us any good.

Well. Maybe it did me some good. i cannot continue to assume that whenever i do something wrong, that i should give up, that i'm never going to succeed. If Master has continued to pour His love and effort into me,  if He values me so highly, then i should also value myself. If He can forgive me for the enormous, hurtful things of our past, then i can do nothing less -- and i can forgive myself for making a mistake, as long as i try my honest best.

In that realization, i have nothing. There is nothing i can fling back at Master in my defense, i cannot wound Him with knife-edged-words any longer, for He has given me unfailing love, direction and understanding, even when i did use those bladed words.

And this time, He's taken them from me. i am truly laid bare, defenseless. Protected only by obedience and His love.

i am responsible for my own failings - but i can only fail if i don't really try to obey, to please, to serve.  

2 comments:

Masterofslavej said...

That was beautiful, my love slave. Heart felt and raw. I love you and I am endlessly proud of you...

Red Vinyl Kitty said...

*Hugs* This was very heartfelt and lovely. It is clear that you feel true sorrow over your transgressions, and you're trying so hard to please him. I am glad your punishment is over, too! :)