iFail

There is no way that i can truly explain my sorrow and regret about my recent behavior. Though Master is gracious enough to allow me to go to college, in the hope that in doing so He can make our lives better, i should always, first and foremost, before all other things, be sure that i am behaving as He expects His slave, His property, to behave.

The attitude of entitlement that made it's way into my behavior must be quashed. Just because i think something else should come first doesn't mean that Master agrees. Most important, before all other things, is to be what He desires me to be, and that, is to be pliant to His will.

When Master tied me the other day, i should have done my best to simply sink into it, to be present in that moment, to relish the simplicity of it. Instead, i fussed, attempted to do other things, and complain about Master's use of “my” time.

Truly, i want the simplicity of those moments, but i fight against them so often, i am sure that Master has difficulty accepting that what i say is the truth. But, despite all my fussing, my seeming inability to behave, i need the reminders that i am His, down to every moment of my day. There is no time that belongs to me. There is nothing that allows me to decide independently how to spend my time when i am with Him. Even when He isn't with me, i should remember that i live for Him, every moment and every breath is something that i gave to Him. They are His, as completely as i am.

i am sorry that i have had such trouble sinking into my slavery lately. i am sorry that Master seems to have to fight me at every turn. i am sorry that i forget how totally i belong to my Master.

i am sorry, Master. i will try to do better.