Tuesday, December 1, 2009

past vs. present

Time. Slips away too fast. And there's precious little of it to be had.

The other night, Master and i had the good fortune to enjoy a bit of time together and Master did a really fantastic job with some bondage. It was lovely, the ropes holding me tight, keeping my arms folded behind my back... Inescapable. As difficult as it is for me to get into the headspace to enjoy being bound by rope, it's important that we do so. When we don't have the chance to play with rope, i tend to loose track of where i am, and how helpless i really am, how helpless i want to be.

The bondage was delicious, and Master was sorry that He hadn't thought to grab His camera.

The sad thing was when we were finished, there wasn't really time for us to spend together, snuggly in our roles, reassured by the fantastic bondage, sadism, masochism and sex. We had to go right back to regular life.

As i think about it now, i realize that even though Master and i have had BDSM incorporated into our lives for a third of our lives and all of our time together, i have always had difficulty handling jumping back into the "normal." Yes, our roles are part of our normal, but i want that connected closeness of Master and slave, i want that to last for at least a few moments before the "mundane" things claim their share of time. Post-scene, i want to just bask together in the enjoyment of it, the bliss of numbed limbs and stinging parts, the agony of over-stimulation, the delight of the carnal beings within us.

The day after, i was off. i was short, i was disinclined to do exactly as He asked me to do. Every step was a fight. i didn't want to disappoint Him, cause Him frustration. But i kept doing it. i'd apologize immediately, recognizing the potential trouble i was building up. When He told me that "i don't mean to cause you frustration" was beginning to loose its meaning, i completely went off the deep end. i snapped, i yelled, i threw dishes around in the sink. And argued more. All things He's told me i need to control better.

i blamed being tired, having a sore throat. Blamed a bout of insomnia. Being angry about being sick. He knew that wasn't all of it. He knew it and i didn't. Several hours after the outburst, i recognized that it was a selfish little desire that felt neglected rearing its' ugly head.

i want that closeness. i want Him to be all mine for just a few moments, to feel His arms around what belongs to Him every second of every day.

But this is another thing i am going to have to learn to control better, because that want isn't going to be satisfied every time. And it can't get in the way of the present moment.

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