Sunday, March 6, 2011

Misfire...

Most of the time we get it right. Hell most of the time we get it damn close to perfect. But sometimes we falter, sometimes we stumble and when those times occur, we don't get it even close. When we fumble, it all falls apart.

Tonight had so much going right for it. A short night at work, the child wearing down quickly, and a Master and his slave eager for the same thing, a chance to play. We received a new Liberator Wedge/Ramp set yesterday and it was begging to be used thoroughly. We also have a new bamboo cane that needs to be broken in on the girl's ass properly and both are up for review on the Eden Fantasies site.

We worked on the kid for nearly an hour to get him settled in, fighting sleep tooth and nail all the way. It is in no way adequate foreplay, having a child screaming in one's ear for half an hour. We earned our playtime. And when the little tyke finally closed his eyes, we were on our way. I grabbed the camera and the tripod, I pulled out the Liberator Ramp and the new cane and set up the play space, i.e. the bed. The girl came up shortly after, stripping and jumping into the bed as she sometimes does, without permission. I let that slide, besides I knew that the cane was hungry for her perfect ass and it would be accounted for.


I had the girl get out a couple of items while I prepared the cuffs for her. I bound her wrists and ankles in the leather cuffs and had her lay over the Ramp. This is were the first twinges of our issues began. The girl's back has been bothering her and so she asked that I not use the cane on her as her ability to process impact pain is affected by aches. I was disappointed that we were just about to get started and, though we had discussed it previously, this issue persisted. But I shook it off and decided to show the girl some mercy and try something else.

I had her flip over onto her back, laying with her head down low on the Ramp and her ass raised up. I then bound her hands together above her head and bound her legs spread wide. The effect was marvelous, like laying backwards over a barrel. The girl's body was stretched out and exposed in all the right ways. I asked her if the position was causing her back issues and she said no. But at this point her general demeanor was agitated. I started getting out items, the LELO Gigi, which we still have to write a review of for Eden Fantasies, the evil white plastic spoon, and the black, chain linked clover clamps. Simple items really, for a wonderful time.

However the girl was apparently not impressed. Again she seemed agitated and even pissy. My slave bitched about the fact the spoon was out despite me having agreed not to hit her. I told her that, no I agreed not to use the cane on her since I wanted to really test out the cane for a proper review and her pain issues wouldn't provide for that. I never said I wouldn't hit her somewhere. Truthfully I was enjoying the helplessness that comes from her accepting her fate when she knows she had no choice. However that was not what the girl was feeling tonight. The girl felt angry, frustrated, hurt, and far more so than the situation should have generated.

This is where we get into deep water. That disappointment flared up again and it flared up bright. One thing is easier to overlook, to move passed. But when that one thing becomes everything, I cannot over look that. It is not exactly that I am consumed with making sure the girl enjoys everything we do. On the contrary, most of our play seems to be focused around forcing the girl to do things she doesn't like, doesn't think she can take, or things she hates. I get so hot watching her struggle against the bonds trying desperately to escape, and so does she. We have discussed that before.

This is different, that feeling of disappointment that rises up. It isn't just disappointment at the situation or her reaction, but it is a disappointment that reaches deep into myself. A feeling of failure, a desire to just say Fuck It and walk away, even just for the moment. We have dealt with that for years and we have gotten so much better. Yet it persists, and that is exactly what I did. I stopped talking to her, I just started unbinding her and put all of the gear away. Such a familiar pattern, almost staged perfectly every time. The girl balls up, sometimes there are audible tears and sometimes there is just silent fuming. For me, I seek out something to distract me, though it is really just an outward appearance. I cannot escape the glaring pain that wells up. Failure.

We don't stay apart long, we always seek each other out, even if just to add another barb into the pain. The girl came down stairs and asked to get an item and head to bed. Time was that I would have let her, leaving that chasm between us a while longer until I was ready to come to bed and discuss it. We get so few chances to be together any more that I could not let this one slide. Besides, if we left it the way it was it would have made the week horrible. We are both well passed letting shit like that happen. So I denied her request and started in on her. Why was she so upset, well beyond what the situation provided for? I allowed her request not to be beaten with the cane, I made sure that she was okay with the position, etc.

We discussed, we argued, we spoke gently, and we traded barbed comments. The determination? Remember when I was getting the room set up and the girl came upstairs? Apparently I didn't talk to the girl. I asked her questions but I didn't connect to her, I didn't engage her. I also didn't comment on her permissionless jump onto the bed. I did so to avoid upsetting her, but managed to do so anyway. This made the girl feel rejected, unwanted, unimportant. That feeling of disappointment, the same disappointment I felt when she started getting upset about things, acted like a catalyst and had changed her mood. The girl's perception changed and her agitation affected me. And in no time at all, everything fell apart.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does it is the perfect recipe for ruining our night. Hurt feelings chafing against each other until we both just say fuck it. It is better that we do give up briefly, it would be far worse to continue forward from that point, we've tried. But still, it is hard to work through such emotional turmoil in a short time. The boy could wake up at any point and our chance would expire. I do not want to waste our opportunity, so I ordered the girl back up stairs to try again. Just sex, nothing complicated or ornate, but sex is what was needed.

I removed the pillow case from my pillow and pulled it over her head, belting it on tightly. I wanted her to cry, I wanted her to suffer, I was still angry at her and I wanted her to know that she was just a faceless piece of meat to me at that moment. By the time I pulled her back onto the Ramp face down and ass up, I was rock hard and ready to fuck her. And fuck her I did, listening to her gasps and cries. Before either of us could finish though, the kid started crying in his sleep. Exasperated, I pulled the make shift hood off of the girl and sent her down to help soothe him. I know what he wanted though, night time is when daddy is gone and he wanted to know that I was still home. So I dressed and went down to help the girl put him back to sleep. In moments it worked and we rushed back upstairs.

The pillow case went back on, much to the girl's tearful dismay. I then flipped her onto her back on the Ramp and pulled her hands down at her sides, holding them in place as I pounded her cunt. I loved watching the fabric of the pillow case rise and fall to her breathing, two darkened circles appeared where her tears had been absorbed. I didn't last long. I didn't want to, in case the kid was about to wake back up. So I pounded her pussy, shooting hard and deep into her. However, she hadn't gotten off and I never like to leave the girl without at least one toe curling orgasm.

I flipped her back over and continued fucking her from behind. Sadly, I was spent so I switched to finger fucking the girl. This is something that we really don't do because it has never been well received by the girl. However, since our time with Master Pravus she has developed more of an appreciation for it. And I am glad she did. Tonight, as I worked my fingers in her, we found a remarkable spot just above her g-spot, further in along the muscle wall that absolutely drove her wild. The girl begged and begged to cum and squirted all over when she was finally allowed to.

So out of our hell, came this little piece of heaven that we can play with again and again. Not to mention that great sex is a cure for so many things. Once finished, we held each other and knew that all was well. We went to shower and we talked about what had happened, why it had broken down so quickly, the underlying issues that jump up at odd moments. The determination? We are 90% nearly perfect with a 10% chance of turmoil, and that is okay. So much of what we do is about being pushed through the moment and finding fulfillment and enjoyment in it after. Such is the way of my consensual non-consent slave.

Will it happen again? I have no doubt, but the important thing is not to try to avoid the issue, but learn how to let it pass and not effect our opportunities, which have become so precious and rare. I take great comfort in knowing that this difficulty is, in its own right, a rarity as well...

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