Whinge and Wishes

Reaper posted our apologies earlier...and i want to apologize again. It has been pretty desperate around here. Some moments we feel alright, and others we want to rip out our hair from all of the joy and tribulation. This year has been exacerbated by my health issues of a girly sort.

For years and years we've known that medical professionals would consider my reproductive bits "abnormal" (at least the inside ones -- the outside bits get frequent compliments). Shortly after Reaper and i celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary, we spent a whole day bouncing from urgent care to urgent care, waiting for urgent care, and finally being directed to the ER.  The last urgent care office was concerned by my tachycardia, but the ER was much less concerned, and after adding the typical saline drip, considered their job largely done. Well, no. They did officially declare my internal bits "abnormal" and were kind enough to prescribe a hormone to stop the too heavy period...at least until the next time, so we could find out exactly how "abnormal" it really is. Three months of a different kind of abnormal later, here we are at the abnormal that landed us in the ER last time; a uterus that seems determined to drain all of the blood from my entire system. And our choices are to attempt to treat it with herbal options, or waste an entire day again, attempting to just get a temporary fix via the prescription they're so quick to offer (slowly).

i'm tired...and dealing with this on top of the lack of time i've been able to be under Reaper's hands and have any kind of play...the apathy grows. i'm sick of dealing with abnormality...especially considering there is absolutely no reason that the bleeding should be this heavy. And this is mostly griping, and i'm sorry for that, but i feel betrayed by my body, which has no excuse not to work right, but refuses to follow the rules, leaving me with no appetite, and an overwhelming desire to have a good cry. Just in time for Christmas. Whee!

Actually, i do believe it will be a good Christmas...i'll just be tired and noming on iron-rich foods the entire time. i hope that the joy of the holidays (whatever holiday is your preference)  is wonderful, spirit-lifting and enjoyable for all of you. We have high hopes for 2014 and wish our kinky friends, near and far, an absolutely wonderful start to a year of fantastic things.

Apolgies and Disgust

I have to start by apologizing to everyone that follows us. We have not forgotten nor abandoned any of you lovely readers intentionally. As we have mentioned a number of times having children has pretty much killed our kink at the moment. Without exaggeration, if we were to combine the number of times we have had anything remotely sexual (actual sex, blow jobs, heavy petting) with the number of times we have had any level of play (including being bound for more than 5 minutes at a time, trying on metal cuffs and the like) we would have a count of a whopping 12 incidents in 2013. 

Now that is pathetic on any scale. And to save you lovely readers from the constant and overwhelmingly irate tirades that you all must know that both of us have thrown, we have opted not to write anything. It has become unspeakably painful to watch other members of the community share their experiences on Twitter, Fetlife, etc. Not that we begrudge anyone in the least for celebrating their moments, but it is so hard to watch or to want to comment or discuss aspects of the kink, O/p, M/s, lifestyles, without having any time for our own. We have, on many occasions, referenced Oscar Wilde's famous quote about how the heart will grow sick with longing. Well, our hearts are most definitely sick with what has become more mourning than longing.

But again, we have opted to spare you all from that. Whether right or wrong, as again we want this blog to remain honest about all aspects of our lives and not become just a promotion of one aspect over another, silence was my choice. This is my apology part of this blog post and I hope that you all can accept that choice for silence and forgive us for it.


Given the title, we now move into the disgust part of the blog. Though things for us have not changed and we do not have much to say about our lives at the moment, I do have to take a moment to express my horror at what is happening in other parts of the world currently. The situation in Russia for example. I know that in this country we have a fairly large anti-gay sentiment that raises its head profoundly when the topic of marriage equality comes up. In this country we also, largely, respect each other's opinions and as such I am not going to comment nor invite comment about the opinions of either side. I will, however, simply state this: Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Opinion should not ever decide what someone else can or cannot do. If something someone else does offends you, then don't do it yourself. 

I was listening to National Public Radio the other morning and I heard that the situation in Russia has progressed to the point where people are being incarcerated for peaceful protests, assaults continue to go unpunished, and laws are being considered that would allow officials to take children adopted by same sex families and jail the parents. This is sickening. History is replete with examples of legalized and officially sanctioned hatred, but to see it in one of the larger, industrialized, law-centric nations in the modern world is just... wrong. Or course, Russia has a history of these kinds of crimes against its own people under harsher regimes such as Stalin and not that it is ever right for persecution to exist, but this really stands out to me. To have a national governmental body openly incite violence against a non violent portion of its population screams madness. 

I know that this sort of thing, and far worse things, are happening world wide and I do not want to downplay the importance or impact of those happenings. However, this is a nation among the leading nations of the political world. And unlike aspects of Stalin' violations of human rights, theses are being played out in full view of the media and announced with near pride to the world. 

On a more personal perspective note: I will almost always side on the part of any law that protects the options of individuals to do what they wish. Everyone should have the right to do what they want, say what they want, live how they want. They should have the right to have their own opinions and views. They should also be acutely aware that those views and opinions will only ever govern themselves alone. 

As an example: I hate chewing gum with a seething, burning passion. I have everything to do with it. The sounds, the sight of it billowing from someone's mouth, the mess when people inevitably don't know what to do with it when they are done. Everything! I feel that it should be banned from sale and manufacture. Now, should that opinion then be allowed to govern all peoples? Do I have the right to prevent anyone who enjoys gum from partaking in its use solely because its existence offends me? Of course not, don't be ridiculous. If you don't like it, don't do it. If you don't want to see it, look away. If you can't stand the sound of it, ignore it. Now if the answer here seems simple and apparent for the hatred of something trivial, why then is the answer to a much larger and more important issue, like the hatred of equality for everyone, somehow illusive? 

 If I were to go to a court of law, any court from local to the Supreme court, and ask that gum be banned based solely upon the argument above, it would be laughed out immediately. "If you don't like people who use gum, son, well then that's just your problem."But, somehow, if we protest the rights of people to be with whoever they chose, then that is a serious case all of a sudden? No. Just no. 

I appreciate that I have the chance to share my own opinions regarding the situation in Russia and the world at large, and yes, I recognize that expressing this opinion will in no way change the actions or feelings of the people it is directed against. And thank you, dear reader, for sticking with us this past year of mostly silence. May the new year bring us all more opportunities to experience and share those experiences. 

Best regards and a Happy Holiday wishes to all...

Let's go...

We have not been so good at blogging lately. :(

Largely because, sure, it's real life and that's the way it goes, but as Master put it, neither of us want to sound like we are whining because we're not getting time to get down and kinky together...

We steal little moments, and as time goes on, we'll be able to steal more little moments, and they'll get bigger. But right now? We slip into each others arms for a hug, and whisper "I miss you" into each other's ears because even though we're together, our "Monsters" (as i fondly call our kinky natures) have had no significant time to come out to play.

But we look at our lives, and the reasons, and we cannot help but smile and regard those reasons with the awesomeness that they are...

Despite all that, despite the missing the whips and chains and hard sex...

Reaper and i are facing down the years...we just recently celebrated one of our anniversaries, and are toasting to many, many more...

 i am so lucky to love and be loved, by Reaper.

Allons-y, Master, my Love, our future awaits!

Metal babble

Time just speeds on by doesn't it? Who would have believed how drastically life could change in one year? Ha. Or how much i've changed over the years?

A long time ago, Master talked about metal collars as an all the time thing, and i freaked out. Especially at the turian style ones. A ring of metal? Inconceivable. Seemed...too obvious...at least to me.

But almost four years ago, Master and i came to a...workable...solution to his love of metal. A dog chain, which i've blogged about before, with no clasp, no discernible opening. It had only been off once in those four years, for two months split between 2012 and 2013... It was off again over the weekend, though. Not that my neck was bare, mind you, but something else had been put there...a rolled steel collar.

That was an adjustment for me; i'm very used to the looseness and mobility of the chain, but the steel collar Master had picked was a (very) close fit so as not to be banging on my collar bone. Master could slip his fingers through and grip it easily, but it felt like it was a constant and continual pressure on each side of my neck...maybe that was more claustrophobia than anything.

On the whole, Master was very pleased with it and kept commenting on how nice it looked. It isn't from either of the popular steel collar sites, but was picked up from another site as it was seriously discounted (half price, muhahaha), which meant that Master also picked up some steel wrist cuffs and a square-ish steel collar as well... He's not as pleased with those because the magnetic pin "lock" can be pried out with a fingernail. Also, he had some choice expletives about the cuffs, as they are too big for my weirdly shaped wrists as i can just slide them right off and they are much too small for my ankles.

The turian, though, is above my expectations. It is pretty. And the seams of it are nice and tight. i'm just not sure i'm ready for that to be the metal that's always around my neck.

(Also, i have an ellipsis addiction.)

You blogger, you!

This is just a short little update.

Blogger has gotten a bit grumpy about adult content. If a blog on the blotspot domain has links to adult content, sites, and so forth, they may delete it entirely after June 30th, 2013.

Their email reads:

Important Update to Adult Content Policy on Blogger

You are receiving this message because you are the admin of a blog hosted on Blogger which is identified to have Adult content. Please be advised that on June 30th 2013, we will be updating our Content Policy to strictly prohibit the monetization of Adult content on Blogger. After June 30th 2013, we will be enforcing this policy and will remove blogs which are adult in nature and are displaying advertisements to adult websites. If your adult blog currently has advertisements which are adult in nature, you should remove them as soon as possible as to avoid any potential Terms of Service violation and/or content removals. Sincerely, The Blogger Team

Despite the fact we receive no money from the links here (we just link 'em because we like them!), blogger may simply view our links as enough grounds to delete us as they *are* links to adult websites. We will be backing up our content. If this blog vanishes, look for updates on our FetLife profiles (Master-Reaper or jenpet). We have reserved "http://rolesdefiningrules.wordpress.com" so we may just migrate over there, considering (as far as i know) they have not limited adult links to this extreme (yet).

Buggering doldrums...(nsfw)

Interesting that The Bloggess and Rayne posted about being down and depressed this week. Seems like it's been making the circuit lately, and i haven't been exempted. i hold no official diagnosis, and most of the time, i do feel fine and functional. But then there are suddenly these (sometimes long) stretches of time where i am not; not myself, not (really) functional, not anything. i get through the absolute base necessity needed by our household and then just, sit. i don't draw, i don't read, don't break out the xbox controller... i just don't do anything.

i put on fake smiles and giggles when required, and chatter incessantly as needed. But inside, i feel like an empty space, and the moment all needs are met, it's what i go back to. i'm good at acting fine, until the only one who can see is Master. That mindlessness concerns Master-Reaper outside of scenes. He doesn't like it and wants if fixed. For the last few days or weeks (i don't even know), he's been asking what he can do to help me, what i need. i've admitted to being overtired, which never helps anything.

So Master was going to let me sleep in today. He tried to, actually, pushing my body back into his bed. But something about my pathetic, depressed flop back into bed drew him back into the room, where he ripped my pants off and stuffed his cock up my cunt and his thumb in my ass. He filled the nothingness with a purpose, a use, making my body tremble at his whim. And then i made him breakfast.

Today, i think i can function at a little more than the base level. Just. And today i can have hope that i'm near the end of these doldrums, where it all goes on, and on, looking exactly the same as nothing. Because they've been buggered.

Shame...

So... Master-Reaper read my last two posts.

And...

We did have a verbal blow out. It was not fun. i cried a lot, felt useless, confused... Actually, the best way i can think to put it is: i felt an awful lot like a scolded Australian Shepherd that didn't know what livestock was, much less know how to keep it in line. Master-Reaper had even debated upon doing the whole "dog shaming" scene -- you've seen them? The pictures of the guilty looking pets with a poster board declaring their bad behavior? Just hearing him say he'd thought of it hurt worse than any physical discipline. i hate letting him down; but my thought process can be so defeatist that i wind up looking like the dog who had missed their entire purpose...before i even commit the crime.

In my life, i have picked up some very bad habits. Who needs 45 washed out sports-drink bottles for ice water bottles? There's food storage containers in the cupboard, so why save containers from store-bought foods that have long since been eaten? i exaggerate some, but i sometimes (frequently) save things that have no honest purpose, or save too many of them. This drives Master-Reaper nuts. And when we don't get enough time for the sadist's satisfaction, the piles of...crap...that have somehow wormed their way back into the mix of our life become the starting point for setting it all to rights.

We spent the morning after the blow-out getting rid of the piles and the hoarding, and have a better sense of order again... The trouble of not getting enough time to play with ropes or whips or ... well. That remains. We'll do what we can when we can, of course. But we are adjusting. And hey, the oldest kid gets a mini-vacation soon, so maybe we will be able to find more steal-able moments.

Angst

The other day, Master-Reaper was obviously feeling down. It always bothers me when He's not happy, even though time and time again He's reminded me that "make Him happy" is not in the tenants He gave me. So i'm doing my best to do what i am supposed to be doing, but i asked what had Him down. Our discussion led Him to say essentially, that He feels i don't need, desire or crave the kink as much as He does, that He feels He is just dragging me along and the only reason i do it is because He wants it.

Ouch.

And so depressing.

All my life, i've had these kinky day dreams, as a teen i wrote a lot of twisted erotica where my main (usually female) character was the property of someone else...

Right now, our opportunities to live out those little (and not so little) fantasies are limited. Our oldest kiddo is an insomniac, manifesting much like my own, an inability to go to sleep and an inability to stay asleep, and our youngest kiddo, well obviously she's just little and still needs me more than she needs anything else. *sigh* We love our children and the little miracles they are. But they do impact our kinky practices and sex life (duh).

So in the interim, i'm struggling to charge forward and serve the best i can, in the ways that i can. Ultimately, the question stands; is that enough?

Is it?

The answer is, pardon my french, fuck no, it isn't enough.

Sooner or later, if we can't meet our kinky needs in a significant way, we're going to blow up at each other. It's the way of it. We've done it before. We aren't perfect rainbows and sunshine, we're human and we're not getting a serious need met. Domestic service just does not fulfill the sadist nor the masochist. Domestic service alone does not enforce our Owner/property dynamic. Or even Owner/pet. With the kink, the pain, the reality of our dynamic missing, i feel like i am drowning and so frustrated with the domesticity...

So why does Master-Reaper think i don't want it? Because while i've recovered (largely) from the c-section, i'm still healing. Because i recently injured my back (figures, those muscles were over-strained when they were over-compensating for my belly being split open) and He's considered that i have kiddos to chase around. i do want the kink, the pain, but realistically, i don't see our schedule truly accommodating a good solid hour of time just for kink, so why bother? So i just stew about it silently, no outward sign that i'm loosing my footing because i haven't been hurt. i just grin and bear it because life isn't fucking fair, and i suck at admitting that my needs are unmet. Doesn't matter what kind of need it is, but if it's mine, i'll suck it up and swallow it until i break down...

So here, i am, crying and screaming here on this blog that things aren't perfect and wonderful because we have kids, who are amazing, but we haven't found our balance with two yet. We will, i know we will...because honestly, Master-Reaper and i have been through tougher shit than this. But in the interim...well...it just sucks.

And now, i'll go back to suffering in silence, missing the depths of our depravity until we find more time to venture from the shallow end of the pool.

Meadering musing... (A completely disorganized ramble)

It's amazing how much can change in such a little time.

Of course, most of the changes here come down to one once-little miracle. It seems that we've always been a family of four. But the lack of hard-core S&M missing is keenly felt. So is the lack of sex. Oh, sure, we've carved out a few moments for ourselves, though it seems the entire galaxy must be precisely aligned for such an event.

i'm extraordinarily grateful for Master-Reaper; for his support, kindness and patience as we are forcibly shifted back to more of a service-style D/s relationship. i'm also incredibly impatient for the day that we can start stealing more of the awesome hardcore S&M moments and cram those back into an admittedly busy schedule.

As more time passes, i'm beginning to really feel healed...throughout the healing process from our littlest kidlet, i felt enormously better than i felt during the first recovery process. No wonder the stories of c-sections are as varied as the stories of natural birth! We're still a good two to four months away from adding extra heavy impact play back into our options, due to the fragility of scar tissue, but if we have the time, opportunity and energy, there isn't much else we can't do.

Thank goodness for that.

In the meantime, i'll serve Master-Reaper in any little way i can...do my best to be domestic.

And look forward to those rare moments when the universe lines up to give us a shot at some play!

Meme about Reaper

my friend padme completed this meme and i thought it would be fun... 

At least it gave me something to do this afternoon...

We'll see what Master-Reaper has to say about it later, eh?

1. He's sitting in front of the TV, what is on the screen?

Most likely a video game... Though we don't have TV (no digital box, cable or satellite , he does have a few favorite shows: Doctor Who, Psych, Burn Notice, and Castle, so that's not outside the realm of possibility. 

2. You're out to eat; what kind of dressing does he get on his salad?

Some kind of vinaigrette, most likely. 

3. The most striking thing about his physical appearance?

Personally, i think it's his eyes. They're a very unusual hazel and look quite predatory. 

4. You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order to drink?

Coke or pepsi, usually.

5. Where did he go to high school?

The bulk of it was at a private school.

6. What size shoe does he wear?

Size 12 or 13, depending on the shoe.

7. If he was to collect anything, what would it be?

Anything he loves. Seriously, Master-Reaper has a bit of a compulsion to hoard things. His collection of kinky gear is a good indication. You know those massive whole wall entertainment centers? His gear overflows it. And we won't mention the 3 sets of drawing pencils.

8. What is his favorite type of sandwich?

If it has meat in it, he'll eat it.

9. What would he eat every day if he could?

Breads. >.< i'm trying to trim the gluten in our diet down again, and we have been eating a lot of bread.

10. What is his favorite cereal?

Captain Crunch with the berries...sometimes Raisin Bran. But he rarely eats cereal anymore. 

11. What would he never wear?

Pretty sure crossdressing is on his list of hard limits. 

12. What is his favorite sports team?

i'm not sure he has one; when we do watch any kind of sport, it's usually martial arts & mixed martial arts. 

13.Who did he vote for?

Complicated. He likes guns. He believes everyone should pay a fair share of taxes. He doesn't like big government. He believes in individual rights. Doesn't really fit any one party, does he?

14. Who is his best friend?

Mostly me, i think; though one friend, E, has remained since high school. (i've known Reaper longer!)

15. What is something you do that he wishes you wouldn't do?

The one habit he couldn't stand was my smoking; though i've been able to quit, i think i'll crave it for the rest of my life. Also, my brain short circuits about where i picked something up from and so i often put it back in a different spot. This also drives him nuts. 

16. What is his heritage?

Invader and invaded. <snicker>

17. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind?

If it is homemade, probably some kind of chocolate. Maybe could get away with caramel. But, his favorite? An oreo-blizzard ice-cream cake.

18. Did he play sports in high school?

No?

19. What could he spend hours doing?

Drawing. Writing. Being cruel to me. <WEG>

 

20. What is one unique talent he has?

He's a modern Renascence man. He's quite talented in many different ways... His tongue is also freakishly long. 

Time flies...

So we fail at blogging for March.

But then, there's been this interesting thought surfing the kink blogs lately (over at Kaya's blog, Morningstar's too and probably a few others) about how relationships change and simmer down to become something greater... And that's beautiful.

Right now, we aren't boiling. Reaper and i, this month, will have been "together," as they say, for 15 years. We compliment each other's strengths, we are each other's solidity. We know each other (likely He knows me better than i know Him, because that's just His way). Despite those years, though, and seven years of newlywed kinksters continual indulgence of playing whenever the mood struck, we still crave the heat. We aren't done with our intense scenes. We aren't. i look into Master-Reaper's eyes and see the desire burning away, barely held in check by everything else that life is composed of. i feel it burning in my own heart. And every moment that we can steal away from everything else, where we can indulge the Sadist and His masochist, we will...even knowing that it only fans the flames. We'll be ready for the heat when we get back to boiling. We'll welcome it.

We just keep shifting between "low" and "high" temperature burners. Our little miracles are bringing beautiful, challenging chaos into our lives. And we may look fairly average, but that doesn't mean i don't love the thrill of fear from the sound of the tazer that i can't see clutched in His hand. Mistaking Master-Reaper for average? Not sure how they do -- that predatory gaze is always such an undercurrent in His eyes.

March Q&A

Oooh, it's March! Where does the time go?
In past years during March, as many other bloggers do, Master-Reaper and i have answered questions...
So. Have questions? Ask. We'll answer.
Maybe you'll get Master-Reaper blogging again. ;)

You can ask questions either by commenting on any post we make this month, or by shooting an email to junderb AT gmail DOT com. Feel free to specify who you want to answer your question. Could be one or both of us.

Randomness

 We're starting to get in the swing of things around here... Most of the time.
There's still some healing i have to do yet, but hopefully Master and i can find some ways to connect while one kidlet (the big one) is elsewhere, being spoiled by family.

In the meantime, in lieu of kinky stories, since there aren't any (new ones...yet), i snagged this meme from my friend padme's blog (Journey to the Darkside)... Enjoy the random!


1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Closed! i hate open doors!

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Usually. Seems like a waste for them to throw it away since i opened it.  

 3. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
i save coupons and then often forget that i cut them out...until they expired.  

4. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
i think a bear. i am sure i can still climb a tree. But there's no outrunning bees/wasps (shudder). 

5. Do you always smile for pictures?
No, not always. (see FetLife for examples! LOL)

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Tardiness. i hate being late. i also hate waiting for people to arrive on time. 

7. What size is your bed?
Master's bed is a king size! We had a full/short queen for most of our relationship, and it was just really very cramped. Having a king feels so wonderful. Bonus? It squeaks less than the queen. 

8. What’s your least favorite movie?
i don't really have a least favorite, but typically movies about war are just very hard for me to watch. (ie "Blackhawk Down," or "Saving Private Ryan.")

9. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Honey mustard or ranch.

10. What is your favorite food?
Food. Seriously. If you tell me it's edible, i'll usually try it at least once. That being said, i have a horrible sweet tooth, and if you tell me it's desert...well...there's no accounting for how it disappeared. 

11. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Star  Wars is one set, Lord of the Rings another, but currently, Master and i are in love with "Skyfall," so we have watched it every night since we got the DVD.

12. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Nope...

13. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
It would depend on a lot of factors. What Master says, which magazine, etc...

14. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
Around November, i think... 

15. Favorite kind of sandwich?
When i break my gluten rules, it's usually for a peanut butter sandwich of some variety. (Jelly, honey, butter or honey-butter are all acceptable variants.)

16. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
<snerk> Food. i love all things breakfast. But oatmeal is one of my top favorites. 

17. What is your usual bedtime?
Whenever i can get there. LOL. i like to sleep earlier than Master does, but most of the time, i cannot fall asleep without Him.

18. Are you lazy?
i don't think i'm truly "lazy." i procrastinate, but i try very hard to accomplish *something* every day.

19. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Not that i picked out. 

20. Do you sing in the car?
Sometimes. It usually helps me not think about how far we're driving.

21. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
Usually Wal-Mart, because it's closest. However, i do have the option of Target now, which is very nice. :D

22. What’s your favorite color?
Purple.

23. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
Funny story, Master doesn't like flat-sheets and doesn't want them on the bed. So...it's almost like camping.  Almost.

24. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
No.

25. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Yes. i like to write on them, leave them in weird places... i also like to fold them and make little airplanes out of them. i'm weird. 

Moving along...

It's been four weeks since i last posted. Unbelievable.

All is fantastically well. Some of the usual newborn ticks, of course, but our little lady is indeed, perfect, and does have Master wrapped around her fingers. We adjusted quite well to our new family number of four.

Yesterday, Master and i were even able to steal a few moments for ourselves. Amazingly, our boy conked out for an afternoon nap while watching one of his movies, and the little lady was packing in her beauty sleep... And Master took hold of me, hands pressing on my neck, cutting my air, manipulating me. While i still have a lot of healing to do, there's nothing keeping me from rocking my torso, and before long, i had my mouth on Master - my hands on the floor and his hands on my head...

Something we both needed.

And soon, my collar can go back on! *happy dance*

Hold on...

Today is the day that really changes everything. While Master and i have put a lot of things on hold, the reason for that hold arrives today. We add kidlet number two to the family. While completely unexpected and unplanned, we're very excited, and nervous.

The thing about BDSM relationships and having a family: it's a hard balancing act. But it can be done. And it is so worth it. We're a tough family unit. i love that my son looks to me and his Father, and knows he can count on us as a team; but i also love that he knows that final decisions rest in the hands of his Dad.

Master and i may not have as much time for our kinky fun as we would like; but we do work very hard to make sure each others needs, at least at the base level, are met. (Stupid rice cakes. Don't worry, steak, we'll find time for you!) We've learned how far we can push ourselves, our time, our energy and what we want. We've learned how to let go a little better when there is time to let go.

We know that everything we do is worth it, for each other, for our kids, for our life. And frankly, while our lives are about to change again in unpredictable ways, those changes will be worth it, too. There will be moments where we want to pull our hair out, and there will be moments we are over the moon. There will be moments we are like any other family, and moments where i am crushed beneath Master's boot.

And i'm looking forward to all those moments and everything between.

See you when i get back!

Don't follow the rules...

 It's been an interesting last few weeks. i haven't felt myself, and it's been super annoying to reach up to my neck and find that something is missing (my collar!). Master has been hyper alert to every little noise, and asking if i'm alright. It's strange and disconcerting to be fussed over like this.

Sunday was a wash, entirely, because i was worried it was the day, so we spent two hours of Master's weekend day off at the hospital. i followed the directions posted on the door of triage -- i left my mobile phone behind. Poor Master was left in the waiting room, with our boy, wondering how long it was going to be before He could get a burger. i sat in triage wondering why i thought triage would provide a quick answer. Eventually, Master called someone asking for an update, and the staff was surprised that i had left my phone behind.

Lesson learned, though. Ignore signs that say "No Mobiles."

Okay, okay. Not always. But maybe ask for clarification about those signs.

New Year...

Wow. The new year always throws me for a loop. It seems different, but not different; a subtle shift somewhere in my perception, or reality itself... But is it? Not really - a good way to catalog experiences, mark them in our histories, definitely - and maybe that's enough. Maybe that's the entire point. Maybe that's why we get so excited when the clock turns over to the new year... Even if we were soundly sleeping just before the clock flipped over to 2013.

So, 2012, goodbye. Thanks for all the fish, which included:

* my (delayed) accomplishment of obtaining a college degree
* a much needed move to a more urban center
* a big change in Master's career -- which was also a much needed thing
* a wonderful experience in being able to spend more time with the surrounding area's kinky community
* a fantastic second trip to a big venue event, which doesn't like people to write about it (aka: Thunder)
* an amusing conversation with a family member about previously mentioned event
* a fast growing friendship with a fellow kinkster, @padmeamidala (from Journey to the Darkside)
* the discovery of an unexpected, complicated, blessing -- aka: kidlettwo
* a great deal of personal growth
* the ability to embrace the things (better put: my kinks and fetishes) which terrify me

i welcome 2013 with high hopes, for the happiness, health and kinky-good-times for all of my kinky friends, associates, and lurking readers. <3